Behaving Worse for Mom...
A young child cries as her mother pushes her in a cart through the produce section of a grocery store.
It took me a long time to learn how to tie my shoes. Like, a really long time. My dad bought me Velcro shoes until he just couldn’t find them in my size anymore. And then, he’d tie my shoes for me before sending me to school, and if they came undone, I was out of luck. Sometimes I could get a teacher or a friend to help me tie my shoes, but after a while, my fourth grade teacher decided this was something that needed to change about me. Every time my shoelaces came undone, I had to stay in from recess if I couldn’t tie my own shoes. For months, I missed recess every time my shoelaces came untied. This attempt to use Negative Reinforcement wasn’t working, but my teacher didn’t have a great understanding of Learning Theory, so she didn’t modify her training plan at all.
I hadn’t yet learned to tie my shoelaces. But I had learned to get very worried whenever my shoelaces came undone. One day, there was a rock in my shoe. It hurt. I felt like I couldn’t take my shoe off to remove the rock, because then I’d have to stay in from recess when I, inevitably, was unable to re-tie my shoelaces. So I left it in there. I didn’t say a word. I was distracted, but I suppressed my pain and held my tongue. Until my mom showed up, that is. As soon as my mom was near me, I started crying and whining and begging for help. It was a full meltdown, and I am sure it seemed like a huge overreaction to a pebble in my shoe. But there was more going on, under the surface, whether my mom knew it or not.
When you’re dropping your dog off or hearing reports from your dog’s trainer, groomer, vet, vet tech, kennel attendant, or any other pet professional, it may seem like your dog behaves “worse” for you than they do for the rest of their care team. It is easy to feel like you aren’t a good leader, or that your dog doesn’t respect you, or that you don’t know what you're doing, or that maybe you just let your dog get away with too much.
If we observe long enough, and ask the right questions, we may find a very different story.
A light brindle American Staffordshire Terrier/Pit Bull mix snuggles in a pile of blankets and looks sleepily at the camera.
Behavior suppression can look like obedience, even to highly educated pet professionals. My dog Juniper (pictured above) is a prime example. At home, she is quite assertive. She rarely comes when called. She barks at the neighbors. She STEALS MY SANDWICHES. She threatens to bite anyone that comes in my home unless they have been Juniper-approved. AND she nibbles holes in all of my blankets. Juniper does what Juniper wants, and only listens to me when she decides it’s worth it. But at the vet, she’s been called “very well trained!” and “very sweet!” and “such a good listener”. Juniper is very docile at the vet. She lets them to do whatever they need to do without protest. Except, if she is sitting or lying down, and we ask her to stand up, she’s like “oh I can’t possibly do that.” Upon further examination, we find that she often hides behind my legs, or tries to crawl under the table. I think she wants to be as small and un-seen as possible. This tells me that she isn’t magically obedient at the vet, but she is suppressing her normal behavior, probably because she isn’t comfortable in this space.
When a dog is being handled by their trainer, groomer, or daycare person, their behavior is often being suppressed because they don’t feel quite as comfortable as they do when they’re with you. Just like me and my shoes, when we’re in a place that isn’t as familiar or comfortable, we suppress our behavior as a way to stay safe. The more comfortable and safer we feel, the less inhibited we become. The less worried we are about our safety, the more we can really let others know how we feel. I knew my mom wouldn’t take away my recess time if she had to tie my shoes for me; I was able to show how I really felt when she showed up.
So honestly, if your dog is “bad” for you but “good” for others, I’m proud of you. That tells me your dog feels comfortable with you. That tells me your dog feels safe enough with you, that they don’t need to pretend to be something other than what they are.
A young golden retriever happily shreds a tissue box while standing on a gray upholstered bench.